lighten up?

ly says my entries are too negative and the words are too heavy... is it true? the one thing i wanted to avoid from the start is to sound negative and to give the impression that my life sucks... it's tough (my life) but it's not that bad... heck, if it's smooth sailing all the way, what's there to enjoy right? anyway, i'll try to lighten up a bit more in my next entries...

let loose...

ever had that feeling where you just wanna let go of everything you are doing, screw all the things going on around you and just go wild? i'm having a huge dose of that right now... a couple of hours ago, i really wanted to just let go of everything i'm doing (it basically involves studies only) and just go wild... the thought of having a drink in bangsar/ hartamas while having a puff of smoke seems sooo inviting... which is weird considering the fact that i don't smoke...
why do i like drinking so much? hmm... i'm not an alcoholic, that's for sure... i think i like drinking because of the atmosphere... similar to the reason why i like to have a cup of coffee at night with my parents... i just like the company and the time spent together... that has a side effect though - i've been really addicted to coffee, can't function without it.
so back to drinking. i enjoy drinking because of the ambience of the place. obviously i choose the place i drink and i have a few favourite spots. it's not any of those loud discos with blaring techno beat blasting from gigantic speakers. one of my favourite spots (a special spot for ly and i) is an outdoor joint where they are dimly lit and they play soft, relaxing music. i dun mind techno beats either, i enjoy them, but at an acceptable decibel. that's why i enjoy drinking only in certain places.
another reason? i enjoy watching people. observing the way they dress, the way they talk, the way they act. makes you realize the world is such a beauty. so many types of people living together. it's really fun. but the main reason - the company. friends. they are a gift from god. who else to share your joys and despairs over a bottle of beer? (actually with a bunch of friends, i don't mind spending the night out in a mamak stall... hahaha...)
well, whatever it is, i'm just trying to make an excuse for me to take a break from my books (good old blog, what would I do without you?) as well as an excuse for my drinking habit and hopefully this urge to go wild will find someone else to haunt (at least for this 5-6 weeks)... after my exams, i will welcome it back with arms wide open... hahaha... as for the urge to smoke... i haven't figured that out yet...

acceptance...

for another month or so, i won't be able to post so frequently (not that i'm doing it now anyway)as my finals will be around the corner... i do wonder how i'm going to get through the papers this semester as i've been in a particularly lazy mode throughout classes this time around. i doubt if i even got past third gear at any time of the semester (except while i'm playing football... hahaha...) but, i've gotta do it anyway...

i do realize something however... whenever i'm feeling pressured or depressed, i do seem to be able to perform better. when i'm depressed especially, it seems to trigger my creative side. for instance, i've been feeling particularly down the other day when i wrote "hope" and "unfinished article" was written at the end of last semester when everything seems so lost. i wonder if those articles are any good? my friends told me they are but i have doubts if they are just saying that to make me feel better. i've got low confidence so don't blame me.

which brings me to comment on an article my friend wrote on his blog. he was writing about people showing off their abilities and achievements. about people who crave appreciation. i've read in a magazine that it is a normal psychological pattern (especially with the male species) that we just want to be the strongest, fastest, biggest... you get the flow... as to appreciation, we are emotional beings. we don't actually crave appreciation but what we actually do crave is acceptance. we want to be accepted. no, we NEED to be accepted into our society.

on my personal opinion, is acceptance really that important? is is a big YES. look around you. do you know anyone who is always alone? chances are everyone you know seems to belong to a group of friends. and if there is a person who craves personal space, chances are he will be "labeled" as a loser. i know coz i've been there. well, no one actually called me a loser before but i know how depressed loneliness can get you to feel. when alone, a minute of waiting feels like an hour but with a friend, an hour feels like a minute. einstein's theory of relativity. hahaha... however, if my articles are good, i might appreciate that depressed feelings more as i will then be able to write more and who knows? my articles might be worth a fortune one day... damn... it's 12 noon and i'm still dreaming...

ok. enough crap. right now, i'm in my uni's comp lab and i've just completed my lab report due tomorrow. the reason i'm not already speeding home is that there is this innovative invention competition being organized and well, my friends and i are interested. the briefing for the competition is at one so here i am, with nothing much to do... the competition is actually an inter-varsity competition so being the low-confidence creature that i am, i don't know if we have what it takes to compete. furthermore, i'm only in my third year so what do i know? anyway, i'll just attend the briefing and i'll post further updates over here...

well, i guess i should stop "trying" to blog with an empty mind which is resulting in so much crap and instead, try to prepare for my coming final papers... hahaha... easier said than done... but i'm going to try anyway... so it's g'bye for now...

hope

Running out of inspiration
Failing flame in this withering soul
Not even a spark of life
It feels so empty, so lifeless
What has gone wrong?

Here I stand, faced with a junction
A daunting choice ahead of me
Never knowing what the future holds
As certain as the greatest legend
As certain as the most magical myth
I do not know. I never will

Is this the right path?
The right choice?
Will I live to regret it?
Joy and sadness fills the path behind me
What lays in front, waiting in the darkness?

I hope for my path to be alight
I hope for happiness, satisfaction
That’s all there is right now
Hope. Just a flicker of hope

Yes, there is hope yet
There certainly is
As certain as the brightest star
As certain as the purest moon
It’s all that keeps me going
The hope for a better tomorrow

ps: it's ok if you don't get the meaning. don't worry coz i don't really know what i'm trying to say myself.

sick

the title speaks for itself. need more rest. =þ

take a break

had a great time with ly today. spent half the day wrestling her and had a little swordplay (with two umbrellas... =þ). really can't remember the last time i laughed as much as today. it pretty much explains the reason i'm still with her... she brings out the child in me... hahaha... love you...

however, as great a time i had today, i realized too that my holidays are over. back to my routine life. sometimes i'm just so sick of life in the fast-paced world. whatever happened to "enjoy your life while you still can"? i wonder how many of us took time out to notice the changes around us? i myself just found out two days ago that the huge, ancient tree in front of my house actually does shed twice a year! it's a beautiful sight when the leaves were blown away by a gust of wind. i can't believe what i've been missing for the past years (i've been living on the same street since i was born). another reason why i treasure her. she made me realize that life is not all about seeking perfection. sometimes, life already is perfect. we constantly complain about the little imperfections surrounding us that we often miss the bigger picture.

growing up, i have had many regrets. but none of it hits me as hard as this - "damn, i rushed through it that i didn't have time to savor it". they say opportunity only knocks once. you've gotta grab it while it's still there. true. but today is only today for today. you'll never get another 4th of september 2004. when tomorrow comes by, today will be yesterday. so take a break. look around you. savor the moment before it's finally gone forever.

i've been rather lucky till now (i know i complain a lot but hey, we humans are never satisfied right?). god has blessed me with many wonderful moments that i cherish dearly. if i was given a chance to live my life over, i probably will choose the same steps that i took in my life till now. sure it's filled with it's ups and downs, but it has shaped me to be who i am today. with my family and ly by my side and my friends to rely on in times of trouble (there's only a few but they are the best buds anyone can hope for), there's nothing more to ask for anyway.

i just wish for the intelligence to treasure those who really care for me. they are more important than any treasure money can buy. way above all the good grades you can hope for. these souls are the pillars of my life. you know who you are. thank you for everything and sorry for all the things i did to offend you.

what if?

ever had that time in your day when everything just ain't working your way? when everything seems so messed up and there is nothing you can do about it? well, i face it all the time. and later that night when i lay on bed, i'll usually have some silly thoughts of how my life would have been if i were someone else? what if i pursued my interests further? where would it lead me to? well, i have two favorite images of myself.

image one - a professional footballer

i can hear all those laughters a mile away. but hey, i'm really passionate about the game. and i like to think that i'm good in it. at least it's the only thing which i won't say NO to... i've always wondered how cool it would be to play in front of 15, 000 people (let's face it - in malaysia, that's as good as you get). to score that wining goal (or to miss that last minute penalty)... but i never had the guts to pursue that career further. i guess i'm just too afraid to find out that i'm never good in it anyway...

image two - singer

wipe that sarcastic smile of your face... i said it was just an image. and i love music. especially the ones that touches me emotionally and the ones where the lyrics practically speaks to me. i hate songs that were written just for the sake of producing a song. i've always imagined my music to touch and change the lives of others (especially teenagers)... but lets be frank, i really do not have that talent in me. and i do believe singers are born, not made. since we're in this topic, i would also love to be able to play the guitar like crazy... hahaha.. that would be nice... in the mean time, i'll just have to stick to singing in the privacy of my room....

as silly as it sounds, to have these dreams do help me go through my really bad days (on the worst days i turn to ly and my friends...) but that's all they will be - dreams... i can't afford to make an effort for my dreams to come true. i can't bear the consequences if i fail... so it remains as just another dream... what if...

feeling good...

reflecting back on the past two days, i'm in a better state right now... spent the better part of my sunday with ly and in the evening had a good game of futsal (although it leaves my body aching and my legs bruised)... and yesterday i spent the night with jason and seow (it was supposed to be our independence day but we weren't really bothered)... my three passions (ly, friends and football, in that order particularly)... hahaha... it does wonders in soothing the waves of emotions in me...

right now, i'm listening to silk road by kitaro for the fifth time. it's an amazing masterpiece. when i was younger, i have always avoided this piece. it always made me cry, i have no idea why. and now, it makes me reflect back on all of my past experiences. tonight, i just want to enjoy it's beauty. and i want to reflect back on the better parts of my past... till next time...